I am a rambling lunatic, but I like it.

I’ve lost seven pounds in three weeks. Never did I think that I would be back in the saddle of weight lighting, cardio, and good nutrition again. I feel like for so long I just “let myself go” a year ago I started to put this weight on and since then I’ve just gone up or down but finally I’m going down and staying down. I’m so happy I found this motivation again, I just have to keep reminding myself how happy it makes me to get up and workout and take care of my body. I have been finding that my motivation for life in general has benefited as well, I actually keep my room clean and make an effort to stay focused on my work and what not. I’ve been so busy lately but it isn’t bothering me as much as it usually does which is something I am thankful for as well. I think my major goal right now besides continuing to lose weight is to get my anxiety and ADD under control. I’ve been finding lately that my focus is hard to keep when doing anything really, whether it is working, writing, painting, meditating or what have you. It has improved for sure but it is hard to keep my attention in check and I don’t want it to affect my relationships with people because as much as I want to focus on conversations, and I do don’t get me wrong, I just still find it hard to stay 100% focused throughout the conversation itself.

But, all in all I’ve been making real positive changes and I’m happy that I’m working on myself. Sometimes I think that we as human beings tend to forget about taking care of ourselves and worry too much on others and the world around us, and although that isn’t a bad trait to have it is important to keep yourself as your number on priority. Like I’ve always said, at the end of the day the only person that you have and can truly count on is yourself. I think that is the greatest lesson I’ve learned the past several months is relying on yourself and knowing your own strength. Forever I always put my loneliness and emotions into constantly being in a relationship or hanging out with friends. I never took the time to be alone and sit in my feelings and deal with them. When I did spend time alone it was me binge eating my emotions and repressing my memories of being bullied and verbally abused. But as of now, I enjoy my time alone, I look forward to it. Maybe it is because I’ve become a social introvert and gain my energy and pleasure from spending time alone, but all in all it is an improvement compared to how I was a few years ago. It is weird to think that I used to be such a social butterfly, always with my friends and never just hanging out by myself, but now I spend the majority of my time alone. I like it that way quite honestly. Maybe my anxiety is getting worse and I’m just too naive to see that but I mean, I still go out, meet new people, and put myself in situations where my anxiety is present but I rise above it because like I’ve preached before I don’t want my anxiety to rule my life. Being an “outgoing” introvert is something I take pride in because it shows that I’m not afraid to be alone or put myself out there even if I’m having a panic attack in the process. I think at the same time too I don’t have a lot of free time to go out because lately I get up, go to the gym, then go to work and I repeat it all over again, so the weekends is when I have my most free time and everybody always seems busy or I have a shoot to go to or have to work Saturday morning. I guess I probably could make more time for my friends but I’m selfish and enjoy snuggling in my bed and watching Netflix.

I never ever imagined me looking forward to being alone and just hanging out. When I reflect back on my life I see a lot of loneliness and although I still get lonely from time to time, I don’t let it consume me or at least I try to not let it because I’ve been down that road before and God-willing I never will again.

I’m slowly finding my place in this world and although it has taken me some time I’m happy I’m finally here. I’m thankful to be alive and to be able to reflect on the darkest times of my life and use them to better who I am as a person. People must read this shit and think I’m just a rambling lunatic which I am in some retrospect but, I don’t preach this shit for no reason. I don’t make up all of it to impress anyone because I do have shitty days, a lot of them actually, but I try to learn from them and I try to improve how I deal with situations in my everyday life. I just hope that one day someone will stumble across my little blog and find some comfort and positivity in what I write.

The age of tattoo enlightenment

When viewing individuals from my generation you will see a lot of tattoos. Different ideas, personal stories, and works of art can be found on the bodies of many young adults. There is a stigma though that is put on individuals with tattoos made by those who see them as distasteful and unprofessional. I guess I have a biased opinion seeing as I’m almost in the double digits in reference to my tattoo count, but I see all tattoos as beautiful, and unless you know the meaning behind each tattoo you see you shouldn’t be the one to pass any judgement. Those who decide to put ink on their bodies have every right to do so. Those who discriminate against these individuals do not know the gratification you receive when you put something meaningful on your body that will stay with you forever. Sure, I have seen some tattoos that just don’t make much sense to me but it is not my place to say if it is distasteful or not because as long as this said person is happy with their choice, then that is all that matters in my eyes. Everyone’s tastes, ideas, and life experiences are different so we must move forward on our journey to understanding and accepting everyone’s individuality because we can’t keep living in a close minded society. Yes, older generations see things differently than we do, but I know plenty of older folk that have sleeves and great stories to tell. Generation and culture shouldn’t dictate who is to blame when it comes to tattoo stereotyping because people of all ages do it. Whether it is someone who is in their eighties or a younger person, say in their twenties. That is why today I’m going to be putting together a photo project. I’m going to capture the tattoos on my body that mean something, and put them together in an artistic way that can create it’s own story. I’m proud to have my ink on my body, and I’m not afraid to share my stories with you. We as human beings need to stop jumping to the act of judging, but rather understanding. I hope that this project will open the eyes to some who find tattoos dishonorable, but rather see them as a chapter in a story that we all read, life.

I’m going to end this post with a quote from V. Vale who is Japanese-American writer and publisher, “A tattoo is a true poetic creation, and is always more than meets the eye. As a tattoo is grounded on living skin, so its essence emotes a poignancy unique to the mortal human condition.” I hope you find some enlightenment from this quote. The power behind it is intangible. Tattoos are like pieces of art, there is always more than what you see if you just take the time to dig beneath the surface.

You can find my project posted later tonight on my website: http://www.jesspalmer-photography.com and also on my Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/jesspalmerphotography thank you so much for all of your support.

Hello anxiety.

I woke up yesterday morning to a heavy feeling in my chest and the jitters. What I thought would be a restful morning turned into something much different. A knock at the door awoke me from my thoughts and when I opened it I wasn’t surprised to find my old friend anxiety waiting there for me to let it in, and without hesitation I did. Throughout my adolescent and young adult years it has become a habit for me to allow anxiety to live inside me day in and day out. Whenever it comes for a visit it is one of those guests that lingers and annoys you until your mind can’t handle it anymore and you have a breakdown or fall asleep from the headache. It’s always haunting me in the shadows of each corner, or waiting to make its next surprise visit. I’m never prepared either. I am never ready to endure the craziness it releases throughout my body. When each panic attack comes and goes I tell myself that next time will be better, and that I’ll have a better understanding of it all but I never do. I guess the only thing that has somewhat helped me recently is writing it all down. The other night I felt the wave hit me, I found myself crying and turning on the saddest songs I knew just to get all of it out but for some reason I just couldn’t let it go. I grabbed my journal and sat on my bed writing, rambling, whatever you want to call it to the point where my hand was throbbing from writing so fast. My thoughts were just pooling out of me and by the time it was all said and done I could finally take a deep breath and close my eyes without having another miserable thought pop into my head.

Trying to get your anxiety in check is like trying to give a cat a bath, it just doesn’t work. Or if it does, it is more exhausting than just dealing with it. Sure, you can talk yourself off that cliff of self doubt and worry, but sometimes telling yourself what you are thinking and feeling isn’t real doesn’t always work. So what then? Well, I’m not too sure of that myself. Yesterday I literally Googled, “How to cure anxiety naturally” because quite honestly, I don’t want to take medication if I don’t have too. So, it came up with the following: Chamomile tea, meditation, exercise, healthy diet, magnesium supplements, and talking to a therapist. I’ve tried all of the above, besides the magnesium suggestion because I don’t have a deficiency. However, some have worked, some have not, but I want a permanent solution. Obviously it is a far fetched idea that after years of mental abuse from being bullied and literally hating yourself for over a decade is just going to go away because I want it too, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it? I know that I need to realize that my anxiety is a part of me and that I need to start dealing with it in a healthy way by dealing with repressed feelings and I have, slowly but surely. Like I stated previously, I’m writing again. I’ve also gotten back into meditating and yoga but I just wish that I didn’t NEED to do those things everyday to stay afloat. Why can’t I be a normal person who just wakes up, deals with their shit when it needs to be dealt with and not linger and analyze every single damn situation. I also know that I’m not the only person in this world with problems believe me I know how lucky and fortunate I am to live the life that I do everyday. But it does get exhausting constantly battling yourself and trying to keep it all together. It’s funny because I forget that people I know in the real world read my blog, so when I talk to them they always say, “You always seem so happy and positive I never would’ve guessed you had an eating disorder or anxiety” yeah well, it is probably because I try to keep it together. I’m somewhat of a private person and I do tend to internalize everything which is never a good idea but it is something I’m working on. I appreciate that people say that to me though don’t get me wrong, it makes me realize that I am strong and have overcome a lot because I don’t pretend to be happy or positive, I really am! Just sometimes my anxiety really gets me down, everyone is entitled to a bad day it is just how we deal with it that counts. I strive everyday to make each day a productive and happy one and sure, it doesn’t always pan out that way and sometimes it ends in a pool of tears and a cheese pizza but I wake up the next day go to the gym, smile, and breathe because that is life. Life is a constant roller coaster ride that we all take part in each and everyday. Thank you to those who have been so supportive by commenting on my posts, or those of you that are friends with me on Facebook and always have something nice to say it means the world to me. I write about my anxiety in the hopes that others who deal with it can find some comfort in knowing that they are not alone. Believe me, I understand what it feels like to doubt yourself constantly, or crying for no reason because the situation you analyzed just doesn’t make sense in your head. It is okay to have anxiety, it is okay to cry and be mentally frazzled but it is important to remember what is reality, what is right in front of you versus what your anxiety does to the beautiful things in your life. Those with this mental illness know that anxiety can sabotage anything good in your life if you let it, but it is vital that we don’t allow it to do so. Stay positive my friends and when that wave just crashes into you, try your best to stay afloat because it is possible to succeed when faced with anxiety.

Never forget about yourself

Life has been taking me on one hell of a ride lately. The anxiety I have been feeling is indescribable to tell you the truth, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I’m someone who avoids confrontation in the hopes that issues will resolve themselves, but we all know that never happens. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt because everyone deserves a fighting chance right? But you can only push on for so long without it breaking you. I guess you could say I’ve been feeling under appreciated, like the efforts I’ve been making have gone unproved and therefore unsuccessful. I’m constantly battling myself, wondering why my luck has been spiraling down the drain and into the sewer. I like to think I’m a good person, that I try my hardest to enforce positivity in the lives of others. I know many would say, “you have to make yourself happy before you can please anyone else” and to some extent that is true. But on the other hand, I like to go out of my way to make people happy I just think it’s time that I make some room for myself. I am disappointed though in the hasty decisions I have made in the last month or so, but that is something I need to face. I can’t continue to brush it under the rug because it has come to the point where it is taking up too much space in my mind. I always tend to settle for the next best thing, always hoping to mend it to the way I want it to be. We all know how that story ends, failure and self hate. And because of this dilemma I feel my depression and anxiety creeping in slowly but surely. I am starting to get that weight in my chest that I just can’t seem to lift, and that shallowed breath that just never seems to regulate back to normal. Sometimes I think too much, hell I always think too much but lately it’s been so continuous that I feel that my mind is going to explode. I need to start focusing on me again, on my faith and health. I started studying the Bible again, or at least making an effort to watch sermons and understand where I’m meant to be in terms of God and religion. I think it’ll be good for me to fill my void with something other than relationships whether personal or romantic. I think for a long time I have used my friends and lovers to help keep me steady and although I’ve made tremendous strides on my own, I know I can’t keep carrying these burdens alone and I know that getting in touch with my spirituality will help me heal. I need to heal more than anything because like we all know I hate confrontation even with myself. There’s a lot that I haven’t dealt with, things that only I know and I need to open a new chapter in my life. One where I can be set free and truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, although my life has been hectic and mentally stressf, I am happy. This is the happiest I’ve been but I need to maintain that confidence and wholeness at whatever cost necessary because I am my first priority.

She will live

She didn’t know how to love, nor did she know how to love herself. Romance novels filled her head with expectations of a love that she would never find, her expectations too high. She spent her time alone in her room painting and writing, waiting to find that fulfillment she longed for. Growing up she didn’t have many friends and most nights were spent alone watching movies filled with adventure and promise. She idolized these characters and the life they possessed, she too wanted to find a thrill in her lack-lustered life. Each night she wrote in her journal of all the hopes and dreams she had of finding love and excitement, but the following days continued to be a disappointment. She relied on outside sources to fuel her fire, to motivate her each day. Being alone was something that tore her from the inside out, constantly tossing and turning each thought in her brain. She felt lonely most days and never knew how to fill the void that was left in her beating heart. No amounts of writing, reading, and daydreaming could erase the pain she felt each day. She wanted to know what it felt like to truly live and one day she did. A handful of sleeping pills with a tall glass of water brought reality to the surface. While her eyes started to close and her breath shallow, she saw how fragile life could be. She felt this warmth spread over her like a wildfire, as if someone was picking her up off the ground and placing her in the hands of happiness. She never realized what she was capable of, that within a blink of an eye our time here on Earth can cease to exist. She awoke from the darkness and saw the world anew. She vowed to take each moment and cherish it, to take every stride with positivity and a smile. Yes, the darkness haunts and eats at her when it gets its chance, but no longer does she give in. She realizes that she does not need anyone or anything to give her the fulfillment of life. That with each day she lives with the glass half full, she is living and happy.

Rising above the darkness

Life recently has been hell. Talk about stressful, time consuming, and mentally draining. School, work, relationships, everything has just been weighing my down. Self doubt is something I’ve been feeling all too often lately and it has come to a point where I need to either a) let it continue to drain me or b) realize that I am strong enough to realize that what I have to offer is honesty, love, and intelligence to this world and to the people that inhabit my life. Some recent events have brought me to a somewhat decent plan although I most likely am not going to England anymore due to financial issues, I have decided that I will get my BA in Communications with a concentration in Public Relations online while I work full time. I need to make more money, but I also need to get my bachelors and I think doing it this way will truly benefit me in the long run. It’ll be a lot of work and I know there will be times where I doubt myself but at the end of the day I know it will be the best decision. I’m still pursuing my photography as well, I’ve been booking shoots left and right and really promoting myself and I’m so very thankful about that. I love taking pictures and capturing life’s beauty because each photo I take is different and each tells their own story. I’ve been slacking with my writing though for sure, although I’ve been blogging more I’ve been neglecting the many journals I have laying around my room along with my novel (work in progress). It seems like I take too much on sometimes, like I spread myself too thin but I know that I need to be proactive in my life to get to where I want to go. Next semester I’ll be taking on five classes again: Statistics, Public Relations, Public Speaking, Literature, and Studio Lighting so I can finish my associates in the Spring. I can only imagine how stressed I’ll be but I know that at the end of the semester when I can walk at graduation and get my associates, I’ll be thankful that I did it.

I need to stop worrying all the time and just let life happen. I’m usually a pretty positive person but recent events and realizations have just brought me into this dark hole that has been swallowing me alive. My anxiety and ADD definitely lead me to make negative assumptions about people and that will be my downfall, truly. I need to let go of my past and see that there is a bright future for me out there and that constantly creating problems in my head won’t get me anywhere. I need to see what is real and actually in front of me rather than make up these crazy scenarios that make no sense and sabotage the good things in my life. I am a sabotager, I don’t mean to be but I have a tendency to ruin good things because I am used to being disappointed and hurt. I need to believe that these good things in my life will remain in tact as long as I stay positive and open minded. I need to learn to take a deep breath and relax because these past few weeks I’ve been so tense and close minded that I feel like I can’t take a deep breath and just let it all go, and I’m going to do that, I WILL do that. I just need to keep reminding myself what I am thankful for in this crazy life of mine such as my family, friends, job, and school. There are many people out there who are not as fortunate as I am and although sometimes I feel as if my life is over, I know that there is so much to be grateful for.

Going forward I vow to do the following things each day:
1. Meditate for at least ten minutes
2. Write in my journal and or blog
3. Do yoga for at least 10-15 mins either in the morning or evening

I think these are all beneficial things that can lead me to a more healthy and positive mindset, and that is definitely what I need in my life these days. I need to motivate and support myself because no one else is going to do that for me. I can’t rely on any relationships whether romantic, personal, or business to improve my mentality because I need to be confident enough in myself to believe and prove that I can do it on my own. I’ve come too far to let this negativity change who I am and impact me like it has before. I am confident, happy, and strong willed. No amount of stress or self doubt will defeat me or keep me in that dark place. I will rise above and conquer.

Stuck in a ditch

I’ve been foolish lately. In all aspects of my life, especially money and love. I’m broke, literally I have no idea how I am going to afford my bills while also trying to live my life and save for England. I’m depressed, and I just feel like I’m in this dark hole that I can’t get out of. I’ve been trying to talk to my friends or at least attempting to do so and I feel like no one understands. I just want to escape it all and start over but debt is just something you can’t run away from. My personal relationship have been rocky as well, I don’t know where I stand anymore and it is really pushing me down and I’m drowning. One minute I think I am on top and the next I’m way below, trying to swim my way to the top. I am an idiot for spending my money the way I do, ever since I turned 21 I just go out and not even think about it but last night Zach and I were talking and he said, “We spend too much money and we go out too much” and he was right, we go out all the time just to get a few drinks and food but it adds up and now I’m in a predicament where I’ve been using my credit card again and I just, ugh, I know I should be smarter with things such as this because I don’t want to spend my whole life in credit card debt when I’ll most likely be paying off my student loans forever. Now I need to give my mother more money too since she pays my car insurance each month but it is hard I work part time and I have a lot of bills for someone who only makes an insignificant amount of money each month. Don’t get me wrong though, I am thankful for my job, incredibly thankful but in the same breath, I need to find something full time to be able to live life and not be depressed by the fact that I am drowning in bills. I can’t work full time though while I’m in school full time, how would that even work? I work primarily during the week after class so there is no time in between or after for that matter that I could actually work a second job. I mean, maybe I could find something after 6 but then, how much would I really be making? Is it worth my time? I’m not quite sure. All I know is that I am just so sad, and so worried that I’m not enjoying my life. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I enjoy like spending time with my friends and family and my significant other but, at the end of the day I am dealing with all this shit and I just can’t seem to get on top of it and it has come to a point where I wake up and all I want to do is cry because I just can’t face the day because my debt and personal shit is just constantly taking space up in my mind and although all this sadness is my own damn fault it still sucks and I’m still just at rock bottom and I just don’t know if I can get up again. I’ve been here too many times to count and I’m sick of being here, I’m sick of putting myself here, when will I learn?