Frustration rambles with a brighter ending

I literally hate Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday with a passion. I wake up early to either go to the gym or class, barely eat breakfast, make a quick cup of coffee and I’m out the door. I sit in class for two to three hours, then dash from school to work, work for about five hours or so, get out anywhere from 5:30-6:30, then go home to do homework or hit the gym if I didn’t go that morning, THEN do my homework. By the time it is all said and done it is about nine o’clock, maybe a bit later and I still have to make dinner, shower, and then go to bed. I barely eat enough, yesterday was the first day in awhile that I continuously ate throughout the day and there were times where I felt sick to my stomach because my body isn’t used to me consuming a consistent food throughout the day, I know I need to better meal plan but I’m so exhausted it is hard to keep up with shit like that but I know I’m just making excuses for myself but any busy woman knows that the last thing she wants to do after a long day is cook or meal prep for the next day.

I’m tired though, really tired. I didn’t realize that by taking on a primarily Mon-Fri job, while also going to school full time, was going to wear me down as much as it is. Although I am determined to keep up with the work I’ve been doing, it can be saddening to feel so worn out all the time, I feel bad because my friends want to hang out and I just don’t have enough time unless it is the weekends, or I get a lot of my homework done in one night so I don’t have to do any for the rest of the week which is what is probably going to happen tonight and I’m dreading it. I’ve been trying to go to the gym every other day so I can have enough time to recover while also doing homework and staying on top of that as well, so far so good, tomorrow I’m going to try to get there at like 7am, which means I’ll probably get up at about 6:30am, then go to class but tomorrow is my day off so I can actually relax after class if I want, which will be really nice, I look froward to that greatly. All in all I am grateful for my job and being able to go to school just getting into the swing of things and adjusting to this new schedule has been more challenging than expected. With time I am confident that I can push through the sleepiness and anxiety and rise above it all, I just need to keep focused, keep my sanity in check, and continue to just write it out on here or in my personal journal when the going gets tough. I hate getting anxiety over things like this because these are things that are out of my control, and I need to conform and keep on working with doing things that will help me get to where I want to go.

On a brighter note, I gave in my application and deposit for the England trip in May, only eight months away! I’m excited, really excited to explore England and to see a different part in this crazy world of ours, I can only imagine what I will discover on this trip about myself, and about traveling in general. I know I’ll fall even more in love with it because I already am, I am extremely thankful for the support from my friends and family too, although it’ll be tough, I know that I can financially make this trip work and have the time of my life, thank you to those individuals who never give up on me.

Monday morning rambles

I have been non stop it seems for the past two weeks mentally and physically. I’m either at school, work, the gym, or maybe with friends, while my mind constantly wanders from one idea and feeling to the other, leaving me exhausted. I woke up this morning earlier than I had to, to paint fruit for my painting class and it was a relaxing/stressful way to start my morning, I know you probably don’t understand why I found it both stressful and relaxing but, I’m a perfectionist so painting can be a little brain rattling for me, but I also find myself less physically tense because my brain is so focused. All in all, painting is something I do enjoy greatly, I’m still improving and I’m proud of the strides I’ve made so far. 

Today is going to be a busy day, I have to work at 12pm till 5:30pm, go to the gym for about a half an hour to forty five minutes to lift, come home and do some more homework, and some other important things but today is going to be a good day. I’m going to get ready quickly so I can pack my food for the day so I’m not drained by the time I have to hit the gym.

OH! Today I also get to get my money order for my deposit for England! I’m definitely excited to secure my spot for such an awesome trip, Zach and I were talking about it the other day and we couldn’t stop rambling about how great it is going to be and I’m so happy he wants to go, he is definitely someone I enjoy traveling with and the fact we could possibly explore England together is really cool. 

Even though I have been finding myself constantly busy, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful that I have a job, go to school, and live a healthy life, most people aren’t so lucky and I know that I am. 

I have to get back into meditating though, I’ve been slacking with that and yoga, ugh. Each day I plan on doing it, I get lazy and tired and decide to just snuggle in bed with Willie (my pitbull) and watch Netflix till all hours of the night. I thought this morning I would post a ramble post because I haven’t done one in awhile, and sometimes it is good to let my ADD do the talking and free my mind of the million ideas that come into my head throughout the morning.

Have a great week everyone, try to remain positive, active, and remember how beautiful life is. 

Fate is a funny guy

I feel like life is one big roller coaster, sometimes were climbing up, anticipating what’s to come next, then flying back downward suddenly, and sometimes the bumps can be more intense than the ride before and how we handle it is what creates the outcome of the second ride, if that makes sense?

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m constantly up and down, letting small things get in the way of my positivity, and expecting the worst when I should be looking up, allowing fate to take it’s course and that someday it will all make sense and lately it has been. Reflecting on past actions and feelings have really opened a lot in my mind in terms of moving forward on how to better my relationships with people. I know I can be manipulative, selfish, and defensive, this isn’t news to me, but realizing how to all plays into my life really shook me, in a good way though, I realized a lot, how my actions were stemmed from another time in my life, a time that I had no control in some matters, therefore leading me to be a controlling person even subconsciously. I know I have anxiety about what people think of me, or going to social gatherings I can sometimes have a panic attack, and I’ve done a lot in terms of holding myself back from experiencing life and I didn’t even realize that I was doing it, I didn’t realize how my anxiety and inner issues were changing how I was with my friends, family, and significant other and it took me awhile to realize it all and I’m in a good place to make a change, I’ve been changing for the better this entire summer and I’m proud of myself for that. I am grateful that I get another chance to make things right, even if they end up being different than I want them to be, at least I know that I’ve made peace with myself and those important to me.

When I say fate is funny, I mean that it literally takes you by surprise, one day you are this person, and the next you’re someone else and it can be frightening, exciting, and enlightening all at the same time. Although I am scared for what is to come, I am anticipating good things to come along whether they are what I expect, or not.

Classical music

I’ve been listening to classical music lately, usually when I’m doing homework, meditating, or painting because it relaxes my mind, almost calms me down so I can focus better. I made a playlist on Spotify for my favorite classical artists such as Beethoven, Bach, and Debussy, I love the music it is so beautiful and raw, you can feel the emotion in it and it grounds me. 

I sometimes feel like I am an old soul, that i’ve lived other lives in different times because I connect with so many eras of music it blows my mind. Classical, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 80’s, and present time, I’ve always been a music buff, going with the flow of music, like water rolling down the rocks of a waterfall, in sync. I just thought I’d let you all know how magical this music is and how happy and grateful I am that I am well versed on different eras of music, and that I actually enjoy them!

Goodnight all!

Brain fried

Since school started last week I’ve literally been brain fried. I’ve been forgetting stupid things or showing up to work a half an hour early, just a mindless zombie I guess. I’m exhausted by 9pm, I honestly went to bed last night at about 9:30pm and woke up at 7:30am this morning feeling pretty rested but taking a three hour painting class then running to work just wears me out. I would like to go to the gym, get back into a routine like that but by the end of the day I’m too damn tired. I think I’m going to start waking my ass up at 7am on the days I have photography class because that way I get to the gym by 7:30 work out till maybe 8:45, get home for 9-9:10 lets say and then shower, and run to class…that might be cutting it close though, so I should probably get up at 6:30am. Ugh, although I am lucky, I usually get weekends off, this whole busy ass Mon-Fri schedule is killing me, I feel like I am a part of the Walking Dead, minus all the rotting skin and lack of common sense. Yesterday I had off, I lounged around, put off homework till 7 at night and didn’t clean my room like my mother had asked me…oops, that is the task of the night tonight along with more homework, yay. I feel sluggish, like maybe I need a tune up or an extra kick in the ass to get moving, but at the same time I am thankful for my busy life because I feel like if it wasn’t busy, I would go nuts and want to rip all of my hair out and probably end up on the couch stuffing my face with food while watching Dr. Phil.

Some stuff has been going on in my head too, just mixed feelings and my heart is just all over the place, I know it sounds dramatic but I’m a writer and dramatic is what I do. I feel like my emotions are suffocating me, like I’m drowning in love, anger, sadness, and happiness all at the same time if that even makes sense. I know that everything happens for a reason and that it will all workout they way it is supposed to, but the anticipation, the not knowing is what drains me. I am hopeful that as time goes on and I settle into my new schedule and when all this emotional crap figures itself out, I’ll finally find some sort of peace.

What is positivity?

The last few months I have really strived to be positive and search within myself to discover the things that I never knew I could achieve or feel for that matter. I feel that being positive has almost become a trend lately as well, on social media we see users posting, “Tomorrow is another day, take a deep breath and be positive!” Sure, being positive is great, and I know that if you were to browse my Facebook page, you would see similar posts pertaining to the idea of just being happy. Don’t get me wrong, it is not a bad thing but it makes you question, do these people actually believe what they are saying? Or is it something they force themselves to write so others have this idea that this person is happy and striving to make a better life for themselves in terms of their mindset, we may never know. 

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I even like to give that privilege to myself. I want to believe that humanity is changing for the better, that were moving towards a positive direction and that maybe someday we will achieve peace, but that is naive of me to think. Sure, I love waking up and telling myself that today will be a good day, and it will, usually, but changing your outlook on life shouldn’t be a trend, it should be something we all strive for and work towards everyday to better our own lives, not so others view us in a more positive light. Some of you reading this may say I’m acting pretentious, but believe me when I say that I am not. I am merely discussing how society can really be screwed up and people’s intentions aren’t always what they seem to be. 

Big news!

So, I haven’t posted in awhile, been figuring out some stuff, getting into the swing of school and work and trying to find time to workout, I find that I’ve been doing more yoga than anything but rest assured, it is definitely a challenge. Anywho, at the end of summer I planned on going to Ecuador, or at least trying to save for it, but it didn’t apply to my major (the class I mean), and although it would’ve been one hell of an experience, I just wasn’t 100% sold on the trip. However, the director in charge of international studies at my school sent us Italy students an email about Ecuador and…..ENGLAND! They offer a semester abroad next Fall but they now offer a twelve day trip in May that is a literature course, I was sold on that for sure. I had to switch up some classes so it would all fit and now all that is left is to figure out my finances and what not. I get to explore my roots which is something I am really excited about while learning about beautiful British literature and the best part is….HARRY POTTER is on the curriculum because come on, England…London…Harry Potter…it just goes! I really feel like everything happens for a reason, granted, if I get denied for this school loan to go or something prevents me from going I’ll be heartbroken, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen, literally. If that means harassing the financial aid department at my school then so be it. Since I was young I’ve always wanted to visit England, Wales, Ireland, and Italy, and now that I have one crossed off my list, I get to (hopefully) cross off another one and continue to discover more of myself and who I am, which is also exciting. I am nervous that something will prevent me from going, or the people who go on the trip are jerks, or yanno, the usual things people have anxiety about, however we all know my anxiety is much more intense, haha. I feel good about it though, and about this semester, I’ve buckled down a lot already in terms of saving money and getting my work done. I am happy with myself that I’ve actually put my priorities first, and stuck to my guns about staying in line with it all. It is the only first full week of school I know but I am hopeful to continue my good efforts and keep trucking along!

Thank you to all of you who continue to read my posts and support me through this crazy life of mine, it means the world to me.